Written by Darla Harms

“You can’t make someone feel important in your presence, if you secretly feel they are a nobody.” Les Giblin

I don’t do secrets. I abhor them. Secrets are the death of relationships. Secrets need a good scrubbing, digging, and flush down the toilet. Secret agenda’s, secret motives, secret anything, and I’m out. Like I said, I don’t do secrets.

What happens when you meet someone and they say all the right things, but secretly, you know they don’t care about you? They won’t admit it, and that’s what makes it a secret. Funny how we intuitively know that secret. People think they are hiding secrets, but I promise you, the energy you give off when you have a secret is palpable.

There is a place deep in our hearts where the worth of another human being is decided. I call it the “secret place”, simply because most of us don’t know we have it and don’t take the time to work on it. It is the place deep inside of us where worth begins. Think of your body as having a core, like the core of the earth. I’m not talking about your abdominal core that you work on at the gym. I’m talking about the “core” of you. That place, that “secret place” no one can see but you. Do you know what’s inside of it?

Here’s the thing, that “secret place”, the core of who you are, shows up every day. Whether you are meeting a new person or talking to an old friend, it’s there and it’s pouring out of you. I guess you could say, it’s not really a secret after all. We think it is. We think we can hide it; we think we are smart enough to cover it up, we even think we can disguise it.

We are a well-read society. We have more self-improvement information available to us than in any other time in history. Thousands of books, websites, audios, videos, etc., on how to build relationships, network, lead, and value people. That information has allowed us to craft a covering to how we really see people. We can mask that “secret place” up with fancy words and a smile. Or we can dig into that “secret place” and uncover all kinds of things, good or bad.

It is up to us to figure out what is going inside our “secret place” and it is up to us to clean it up. Too many outside influences are impacting, feeding, coddling, and molding that “secret place” and we don’t even know it’s happening. Social media, the news, and politics are moving in and taking up residency. They have begun to set the standard for how we treat another human being. As people who desire to connect with others, we cannot leave that “secret place” vulnerable and up for grabs. We must know how it’s impacting the people in our lives and how it’s influencing them.

This month at Small Town Girls Play Big we talked about building network relationships. At the heart of networking is the “secret place”. People gathering, sharing ideas, what they do for a living, handing out business cards, and exchanging phone numbers. You carry your “secret place” with you wherever you go. If you are going to be good at networking, keep in mind that your “secret place” is on display.

Here’s how your “secret places” show up when you network:

  1. If my secret place is critical and judgmental, my network relationships will be phony.
  2. If my secret place is filled with insecurity and neediness, my network relationships will be inauthentic.
  3. If my secret place is jealous, my network relationships will be judgmental.
  4. If my secret place is stressed and overwhelmed, my network relationships will be rushed.
  5. If my secret place decides to treat people according to what they deserve and not according to what they’re worth, my network relationships will be inconsistent.
  6. If my secret place sees people as objects, my network relationships will be dehumanizing.

On the flip side:

  1. If my secret place sees the value of another human being, my network relationships will thrive.
  2. If my secret place sets aside its own agenda to make others better, my network relationships will grow.
  3. If my secret place desires to empower and equip others, my network relationships will expand.
  4. If my secret place desires to follow through, my network relationships will double.
  5. If my secret place is positive and unoffended, my network relationships will succeed.
  6. If my secret place desires to leave people better than I found them, my network relationships will be memorable.

It’s the “secret place” in our heart that determines the value of another human being. Make no mistake, whatever is in there, will show up in your words and actions. Words and actions sell you out every time. Choose to value yourself and people. Do the work necessary to so that your “secret place” is filled with kindness, compassion, empathy, understanding and valuing yourself and others. You’ll feel better and you’ll connect with people in a way that will take your relationships to a whole other level.

Darla Harms

CEO/Founder

Small Town Girls Play Big

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